Mama Bear

Love and protect.

These are, for me, the two most basic instincts when it comes to family and friends. For many people, the intensity with which I do both is…misunderstood, at best. But for those who experience it first hand, it is a completely different story.

Love.

Family and friends experience my love in a variety of ways and on just as many, if not more, levels of intensity. My immediate family and closest friends are very much the same to me, as you can see from the previous post; my friends are my family. So from here the ripples spread, becoming wider and broader than those tight inner ones.

For starters, I am a very affectionate person. People seem to sense this even if they have met me only moments before. I say this because I have spent years of my life watching those around me and how they interact with one another, how they interact with me and, perhaps most importantly, how these interactions differ. My observations have led to this conclusion: people – men, women, young and old – are more likely to invade my personal space by touching me in some way (usually my butt or my hair) than they are to do so to nearly anyone else in my vicinity. Even the most reserved, seemingly untouchable people will do so to both my and others’ astonishment. But let me return to my main point in this side of my argument. If I like you, I touch you. I hug you. I hold your hand. I touch your arm. I play with your hair. I cuddle you. I kiss you. Male or female. Young or old.

It is a compulsion I cannot control and, for that matter, don’t want to. I have an innate need and desire to show you how I feel about you. It is these subtle (or sometimes not so subtle) gestures that give me away. Most of the time I do not even know that I do it; it just comes to me naturally and so, before my mind realizes my brain or heart’s intentions, I have already in some small or large way invaded your personal space.

This is just one of many ways I show my love and affection to those I care about the most. The others are, for the most part, non-verbal although I’m not shy about telling you I love you I feel it.

Closely following this love is the deeply instinctive need to…

Protect.

From danger. From pain. From others, yourself, and sometimes even…me. I will protect you.

This is the aspect of my personality which is most misunderstood. I am perceived as being bossy, bitchy or a straight up battleax. All these may be true but, in this sense, you can bet your bottom dollar that those more, let’s say, edgy aspects of my personality will only come out of a place of love, care and concern. You will never find someone else who will protect or defend you with such ferocity.

It is this point which is the whole purpose for this post.

When I see you – someone I’ve grown to love and, therefore, protect in my own way – backed into a corner, I will fight for you. I will fight to give you the space you deserve. I will fight to bring you peace. And the good Lord better look out for the poor pathetic schmuck who thought they could bully or manipulate you.

It is these people who have experienced the edge of my personality and been cut by the words I use to slice them into tiny, diced pieces. It is these people who if you met them on the street and asked what they thought of me would say, “She’s a *#@&*?!* #%!&*.” You catch my drift.

It is this small but elite group who have earned some sharp words, much embarrassment, and (after I’ve finished) a satisfying sense of shame. Some of them have been people I once loved. Although, this love was more out of a sense of obligation, more love by association or familial status than anything else. However, when someone such as these routinely hurts, bullies, manipulates or cuts down someone, whom I truly and deeply love out of no sense of obligation whatsoever regardless of association or familial status, the love and respect I had for them initially begins to diminish.

I may give this person or group a one-time free pass given that everyone has bad days. But after the first time becomes a second time and a third and so on, I begin to document in my mind every tear I’ve watched fall, every conversation I’ve had, every reassurance I’ve given to lift my loved one up again. I do this like a hunter stockpiling ammunition for the day he goes looking for prey, except my prey isn’t a perfectly random and innocent deer. I know exactly who I am looking for and why, exactly where to find them and when to strike. The love and respect I may or may not have had for this person at a previous time has no place here. It does not emotionally cripple me or impart a sympathy card to be played on this person’s behalf. I become a primitive being, a predator with a simple purpose – the kill.

Now, I don’t mean a literal kill. There is no loaded shot gun hidden in my trunk. I am not some crazy running around half-cocked with bloody vengeance on my mind. I am a primitive creature with a sophisticated mind. I know my purpose. I know my prey. I know my method and moment and place of attack. I go for the jugular. In the moment this manipulative bully thinks they’ve won once again, I strike. Quick, but not painless. No, there will be enough witnesses present so when that satisfying sense of shame sets in it is seen by others. Verbally. No amount of physical blows could hit as hard or last as long as the verbal blows I can throw. I do this with a certain amount of care and precision as I don’t want to say something I will later regret. I do so, so that my words will have that much more impact because they’ll know I mean every single syllable.

Love and protect.

These two basic instincts are intricately intertwined within me. They are shown in very different ways but come from the same place, my heart. I love and I protect so fiercely that I can only describe it as going “all Mama Bear” on someone.

For those of you who’ve been on the receiving end of my love and protection, odds are it is still flowing and will stay that way forever. I love you and always will.

For those who’ve been my prey…you probably should’ve known better or paid attention to my body language when you came around. Mama Bear will always find you and will always win.