We Are Our Own Worst Enemy

I’ve had several related conversations in the past week or so unbeknownst to the various people who partook in them. The crux of these conversations was the fear of a new relationship turning into one we’ve had before – one that left us hurt and betrayed.

This fear is very nearly palpable. It has left such a bitterly acidic taste in our mouth that we cannot possibly forget it. Nor can we fully wash it away.

It is the distinct flavor of pain after ignoring the warning signs, those big red flags that yell for us to, “Get out now!! Run for your life!!!” You know the ones we should have acknowledged and heeded that remain in the back of our minds as we enter a new relationship. Only now, we look for these red flags like hawks searching for mice in a tall-grassed field – hardly seen from a normal vantage point but if there, they will be found. The so-called “cracks” in the foundation of whatever fledgling relationship we are entering are found with a magnifying glass powerful enough to see even the most minute faults.

What we can’t see is that we are the problem in this new scenario. We are the hawks and the mice, the magnifying glass and the cracks. We are our own worst enemy and we don’t even know it.

Fear has taken over our lives to the point where we look for and dissect and analyze every weakness, every similarity, ever word, look and motion that could lead us to the same end as before – intense pain and a keen sense of betrayal.

So why do we do this? To avoid the pitfalls and mistakes of our past.

And what do we end up with? Intense pain and a keen sense that we brought this on ourselves.

And the fact of it is: we did.

We let the pain of our past manifest into a life-crippling fear that hinders and eventually breaks all relationships we “attempt” to have – that is, if we let it.

So I ask you this: why do we let the pain and mistakes of past relationships effect the growth and development of new ones?

With this in mind here are my thoughts on the steps we need to take in order to avoid these pitfalls…

We have to realize:

1.   This is a new relationship.
2.  He/she is not our ex.
3. We are different now than we were then because of experiences we’ve had, the pain and joy we’ve felt, and the lessons we’ve learned.

All we can do is this: follow our hearts, listen to good advice, and trust our instincts. We have to trust that we learned from our mistakes but won’t let them stand in our way of finding happiness. Most importantly and, perhaps with the most difficulty, we have to trust someone just a little even though and especially because doing so gives them the opportunity to break our hearts…or make us happier than we’ve ever been.